From week 21 of the pregnancy, Logan was always fighting against the odds.
My pregnancy had been normal so far, but then I started bleeding. The doctor told me it was a subchorionic hemorrhage – it was quite common and should heal on its own.
But it didn’t, and I was admitted to hospital. They wanted to just sew me up, but my waters broke and they discovered I had an infection. So they had to act fast.
The doctors warned me Logan had just a 1% chance of surviving birth. The age of viability is 24 weeks, and she wasn’t there yet. We were asked if we wanted to hold her after she was born so we could spend time with her until she passed away. We were distraught. But the 1% chance was worth a try – we asked the doctors to save her.
On the seventh day, Logan suffered a traumatic brain bleed and passed away peacefully in our arms.
At 22 weeks and 2 days, Logan was delivered. She was the youngest baby ever born at that hospital. Weighing just 1lb 2oz (510 grams) she was the smallest, too.
Logan easily made it to six-days-old, responding well to all treatment. She even started taking breast milk in her feeding tube. But then, on the seventh day, she suffered a traumatic brain bleed and passed away peacefully in our arms.
My husband, Ben, and I were heartbroken.
Losing Logan was obviously a major shock. Delivering so early was unexpected as we already had two healthy, full-term babies – our two-year-old daughter, Leighton, and Landon, our nine-year-old boy.
When we came home it was very hard. Logan was going to share a room with Leighton – we already had her name on the wall in wooden letters and her clothes in the closet ready for her.
Seeing those little clothes we had ready and hung in the closet that Logan will never get to wear.
Even the bathtub had a painful reminder where I had written the kids’ names ‘Leighton, Landon and Logan’ with a bathtub crayon with my 2-year-old a couple weeks earlier.
It was such a deep sadness after losing Logan. Ben and I took the kids to Florida a month later to escape the everyday reminders, although we still thought about her every second. Landon was sad but kept to himself about it. Leighton was very confused and upset.
I run an in-home daycare service and Leighton would become jealous of the children with infant siblings, saying she wanted baby Logan back. That just tore me apart. I felt so much guilt – I really wanted to give her a sibling, especially a sister.
In May, I found out I was pregnant again. I secretly hoped my rainbow baby would be another girl.
We had a children’s book made to explain to the kids about Logan being in heaven but still being part of our family. Leighton broke down in tears after we read it together. I couldn’t believe she really understood it, but she did. Her reaction was heartbreaking. Out of all of us, Leighton seemed to feel the loss the most.
Then, in May, I found out I was pregnant again. I secretly hoped my rainbow baby would be another girl and we were blessed to find out it is.
My whole family is thrilled. We are just praying for a healthy full-term pregnancy and have already bought several rainbow outfits for her. I find rainbows healing because I feel as though it honors Logan and this new baby girl at the same time.
I am so happy my daughter will have a sister, but Logan is still very much part of our family. Even though I am so thrilled for my little girl’s arrival in January I miss Logan every day. She is always in my thoughts.
So far this pregnancy has had no issues but every little pain I feel causes me anxiety. I’m just praying for a healthy full term baby. We passed the crucial 24-week age of viability last week and I felt such relief. We are so looking forward to meeting our new baby girl. But we will never forget Logan.